Don't Mess With a Texan

Now there are a few things I have learned living in NYC about well.....the people who live here. I am entertained daily and well sometimes not so entertained.

Now growing up in a small town and I mean small town, you know everyone's business. When there are only 5000 people in your entire town, it's hard not to, because if you don't know the person you know someone who does that is willing to dish the story. My favorite is watching this play out on the subway.

I would say you have the old gossiping lady on the subway, but here in New York it doesn't really matter the age, someone is telling someone else's life story and they know it ain't their room to be telling it. And they are telling it where everyone can hear it. I have learned more about who is having sex with who and who is carrying what's his names baby...and a few things I won't even mention on here.

Hearing the above story isn't that bad and you can handle it. It's, when you have that person that doesn't care if everyone knows their business and is shouting it out, when you wish you hadn't left your ear phones at home. Everyone thinks New Yorkers are just listening to music to kill the time from point A to point B, but really it is so 1) we don't have to talk to one another 2) so tourist won't ask for directions and 3) so we don't have to hear the problems the above mentioned is having. I learned this when I was on my way to work one morning and a lady thought it was appropriate to tell her friend all about the problems she was having, um, we will say downstairs. First of all I don't want to know about women problems, especially rashy, itchy women problems and second I don't want to know about them from a 60+ year old woman. I vomited a bit in my mouth, moved away and purelled myself from head to toe.

Then you have the I am broke; I have no job; I am trying; can you give me some money person. I have at times thought about giving some of them money until I read a report they are making more money than me. I mean RUDE! I work hard for my money. The speeches themselves can vary you will get the short and sweet ones where they know it's a crap game and they just want to get it finished. Then you will have the ones that don't realize that their "I need money" speech shouldn't last longer than one stop.  Two nights ago I had one guy ramble on for a good 10 train stops. He was giving every problem he and I honestly think he pulled out his medical record and was just going down the list. I have nerve damage in my leg, I have a bullet in my ass cheek, I was bit here by a rat (legit could happen) and my mom dropped me as a child I have a dent in my head to prove it.

I like the guys who use the time when the train is crossing the bridge or heading through the tunnel to put on a little show. I mean if you are going to ask for money you might as well work a little for it. If you are wondering what I am talking about just check here. These guys are fun to watch. Some people don't like it but I find it a bit entertaining on a rather boring ride.

I will give you there are tons of hot guys in NYC and this tumblr has decided to document it. I am not upset with them at all.

I have met a lot of people in New York and run into some interesting people and it they are what make NYC an interesting place to be either to live or to visit. But here is where the story brings you to the title of this post. We have an absolutely crazy neighbor. She lives below us on the second floor of a 3 story walk up and well to put it nicely, needs to live some where that she either is the only resident or lives on the top floor. New York is not a place this crazy loon should be living, because she has to deal with people here. I personally have never dealt with her until the other night, but I will give you a bit of her CRAZY so you understand what we are dealing with here.

1. "The Invitation" - I kid you not this woman made a hand drawn invitation for us to join her for wine in her apartment. "Please come and join me for a glass or two of wine in my apartment" it read. Granted that is how you can tell she doesn't really know us because there is not one person in this apartment that could have just one or two glasses of wine. Bitch we are drinking the whole bottle, um did you buy one for yourself?? No? Oh shit. Anyway back to the story. So after the sweet invite it continues on to say "after you have had some wine please allow me to go up to your apartment while you stay in mine and I will show you just how loud things sound down here." Pardon me? Did you just call me fat and say we walk heavy? Because that is what a gay man just heard. RUDE.

2. "The Phantom Walker" - One night while we were all asleep, our roommate John is woken by the door bell and someone banging on the front door. He kinda freaked out thinking there mush have been something wrong, because who tries to breakdown your door at the ass crack of night? So he answers the door to find crazy neighbor there to complain that if we are going to come home late we need not to stomp up the stairs as if we were herding cattle. Well first of all ma'am I am from Texas and we for sure do not herd cattle up stairs, stupid! But as John tried to explain, we were all home and asleep, there was no way we were herding cattle up the steps and she must have been mistaken, to which she did not like being called a liar.

3. "The Alarm" - Next we received a note addressed to my roommate Chase. Dear Chase, could you please not set your alarm to vibrate when it goes off? You don't get up when it goes off and it continually vibrates. I don't have to be up early on certain days and your alarm vibrating is waking me up and causing me to lose sleep. There are a few things wrong with this statement. How does she know which room is Chase's room? She needs something to help her sleep if she is that light of a sleeper. AND SHE IS CRAZY.

4. "The Take Off Your Shoes" - Now this brings us to my encounter. I may or may not have been out with some friends the other night and I may or may not have come in at 445 in the morning. ( don't you judge me, it was Saturday I went for lunch and next thing you know it is 4am SHUT IT ) Anywho, I get home and walk to my room, I counted it, my room is only 5 steps from the front door. I literally had enough time to walk to my room pull off my shoes and walk out of my room when there was a knock at the door and she rang the doorbell. This bitch was ringing the doorbell at 445 in ever loving morning. So I answered it. You never know she may have needed a cup of sugar. I open the door and said "can I help you?" To which I am face to face with a woman who looks like shit, she looks like she has been ridden hard and put up wet. Not kidding y'all. Anyway she looks at me and says "when you come home at 4am can you please take off your shoes?" To which I roll my eyes and shut the door.  The CRAZY maniac pushes my door back open and says "Hey did you hear me?" Well being the southern gentleman I am, I responded rather quickly with, "If you weren't such a crazed lunatic you would notice that I don't have shoes on, as I took them off the minute I walked in the door because they are cute and hurt my feet, Second if you  don't get your ass out of my apartment I will call the cops and if you trek your crazy ass back up here again I will call the cops, now take your ass back to your cave." I think the only thing she heard was the crazy part because well most people call her that. She gasped and tried to come back with something but before she could respond I politely said "And just for annoying me this early in the morning, I will be purchasing tap shoes tomorrow and if you thought it was noisy tonight just wait til I show you my new dance moves GOOD DAY!" and shut the door.

Now y'all you know I would rather walk on my lips than talk bad about someone BUT this cracked glass of crazy needs a hobby. I can tell you, we aren't the lightest footed people, but we aren't jaba the hut either. If we can't walk from our front door to our room with our shoes on there is an issue. This woman is lucky our door are on the inside of them building or I would have left a burning bag of dog shit on her front door step.

But just wanted to let you all know that from now on Monday thru Friday we are having tap dancing lessons in our living room. Everyone is invited and please bring every heavy footed bitch you know!

Bye Y'all!